Assembly Instructions For a Love Triangle

Raima Larter

                                                                  LoveTriangle.com
             Thank you for completing our online questionnaire. See below for your personalized
                                                        LoveTriangle kit instructions!

Materials included in your personalized LoveTriangle kit:
Item H: One (1) 58-year-old grocery clerk (female, Helen), inheritance recipient
Item A: One (1) 59-year-old geologist (male, Alan), recently widowed
Item B: One (1) former high school boyfriend (Bentley), rancher
Item F: Two (2) fault lines below inherited property

Assemble Parts:

  1. Place H on inherited piece of property.
  2. Transport A to library; post flyer for earthquake talk.
  3. Send email from B to H, inviting said item (H) to said talk.
  4. Place items H, A and B in library conference room.
  5. Initiate sparks between H and A.
  6. Initiate simmering rage in B.
  7. Wait one day, then transport A to property of H.

Preparation:

  1. Transport A to H’s front door; press finger of A to doorbell of H.
  2. Ask permission to drill on H’s back lot.
  3. Pitch tent; set up survey equipment.
  4. Discover two (2) item Fs beneath property.
  5. Place hand of A to forehead of same item to quell worry.
  6. Transport B to said back lot.

Setup:

  1. Initiate argument between B and A.
  2. Connect clenched fist of B to chin of A.
  3. Affix bandana (not included) to bleeding chin of A.
  4. Bring H out her front door and across field.
  5. Initiate argument between H and B.
  6. Transport B away from property of H.

Assembly:

  1. Send invitation for dinner from A to H.
  2. Send email from B to H proposing marriage.
  3. File seismic danger report with geological headquarters.
  4. Transport item B to property of H.
  5. Produce ring (not included) from pocket of B.
  6. Insert finger of H into ring for no more than one second.
  7. Return ring to B with request for one (1) week to consider.

Allow Parts to Set:

  1. Attach seismic report to deed for property.
  2. Transport H to local church; initiate counseling with pastor.
  3. Send H on long walk beside river.
  4. Transport A to riverbank.

Attach Pieces and Finish:

  1. Glue attention of items A and H to seismic report, then one another.
  2. Connect A to heart of H.
  3. Produce second ring (not included), bringing A to kneel on one knee.
  4. Bring A and H together in tight embrace.
  5. Transport A and H to local courthouse, marriage license bureau.

Shoppers who purchased the LoveTriangle kit also bought DatingOverFifty, SecondMarriage and DivorceMadeEasy. Visit our website, LoveTriangle.com, to learn more or to purchase our HappilyEverAfter upgrade.

Congratulations and thank you for your business!

Before moving to Washington DC, Raima Larter was a chemistry professor who secretly wrote fiction and tucked it away in drawers. Her work has appeared in Cleaver, BULL, Another Chicago Magazine and others. She’s published two novels and has a nonfiction book due out this year. Read more at raimalarter.com.